Monday, July 19, 2010

How To Survive: The Community Bathroom

bathroomImage by two stout monks via Flickr

One of the biggest parts of Bible College, or any school, is the dorm. There are many factors of dorm life, but today we are going to focus on how to survive the bathroom. This is quite possible the most crucial blog that I have written, because you are going to have to share a bathroom with a roommate. Let’s hope that is the only person you have to share a bathroom with, because there are some dorms where a floor of people have to share a bathroom.

There is nothing like sharing a bathroom with a community of thirty to forty people. I hope you never have to go through this, because I still have nightmares about community bathroom. I remember a time when a person pooped on the seat of the toilet in two out of three bathroom stalls! We never caught the person. It was this day that I decided never to use the community bathroom ever again and use the bathroom that somewhat hidden in the cafeteria. At least I was not sharing the bathroom with a community of thirty.

What school you go to and what year you are in determine the quality of the dorm you live in. If you are an upper classman you have a better chance of living in the dorms that have bath rooms you only share with your roommate, which is awesome because who likes to poop in a bathroom that has three or four stalls? You run the risk of pooping with three other people, and that is just gross. You might be able to stand your own brew but you should never have to put up with someone else’s brew.

You also run the risk of somebody using the middle stall and pooping next to you, and I have not met a person who likes pooping sitting next to someone. Be warned, there is always a person who will choose to use the middle stall even though the other end stall is open. You should never use the middle stall if the end stall is open. The only reason you should use a middle stall is if you are about to explode with pressure and you cannot wait any longer. That is it!

A person who sits in the middle stall usually likes to talk and poop. This move is frustrating for the person who is trying to do their thing in peace and quiet. I’m not sure why middle person likes to talk. Maybe they are nervous and feel like they have to make a conversation, but it is okay if you are not a Chatty Cathy. This does not need to be an awkward situation, but middle stall person, this is what happens when you want to get to know your floor mates when you poop.

I hope I did not have anybody gag and throw up and get a little bit of bile in their mouth but that is what happens in Bible College. If you have a community bathroom, just make sure you do not have a wide stance. We can all learn from a former United States Senator. Just Google senator who had a wide stance, and I promise the story will turn up. It may or may not be the first result that shows up.

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Monday, July 12, 2010

How To Survive: The Outside Worship Circle

Drum CircleImage by BottleLeaf via Flickr

At many Bible Colleges and Christian Universities something magical happens on a nice sunny day, especially if you’re Bible College is in the North U.S. or Canada. It is a moment when the stars align and a group of people come outside to sit in a circle and sing. It is something that is not planned but everybody knows when it is going to happen. I’m not sure how it happens, but I guess it is like when male dogs know when a female dog is in heat. The only difference between dogs in heat and the worship circle is the only thing that happens in the worship circle is just good ol’fashion acoustic worship. You have to admit you are impressed that I tied in dogs in heat to the outside worship circle.

Now the outside worship circle is a very complex living organism. There are many fast moving parts in this group, and we need to break down every person’s part in the worship circle. You could say the most important part of the outside worship circle (they are not), the leader, and the key player is the guitar player. The best part about the guitar player is that you don’t even need to have a great voice to lead your outside worship circle. You could sound like Mic Jagger (and look like him) from the past few years. Are you surprised that a Bible College student knows who Mic Jagger is and should I repent because I have this knowledge of this legendary front man?

The second key component of this circle of people is the djembe. A djembe is a drum you set between your legs, and yes that is how you spell it. See you get a laugh from the blog and you gain knowledge, and we all know knowledge is power.

The djembe player is really the most important person in this group. I know I said it seems like the most important player is the guitarist, but really they are just the leader of the group. The djembe player is the most important player of the group, because when people say they really felt the presence of God in that jam session what they really mean is “the rhythm of the djembe really got me moving!” But for real the djembe player is the most unappreciated person in the circle. To all those djembe players out there, you are the key player to this group of people. Don’t let anybody tell you are not important just because you are not as cool, you’re not as edgy with your clothing, you don’t wear a vest, and you don’t have a Flock of Seagulls haircut like the guitar player of the group.

Now the last people of the group depends of if the guitar player if a guy or a girl. Now if the guy is leading you will have a lot of girls in the worship circle, because they want to feel the presence of the Holy Spirit but they also think the leader is 100% hot. You will also have a few guys in the group who cannot play but want to show the girls that they are just as spiritual as the guitarist, even if they are not as hot.

Now if a girl is leading this group you will still have the same elements but reversed. The guys in the group want to worship but they also think the girl leading the worship is 100% hot.

Now that you know the elements of the outside worship circle you can choose whether or not you want to join. Be warned, if you walk by a worship circle and you do not join the people in that group may or may not give you a look like you are not as spiritual as them. This has happened to me a thousand times. If this “I’m closer to God because I’m sitting in a circle singing” look happens to you, don’t worry we can get through it together.

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Friday, July 9, 2010

Welcome to Bible College

Dr. Jerry Falwell (en, d. 2007), the founder o...Image via Wikipedia

When I say the word Bible college many thoughts come to your mind. If you are a former Bible college student, a flood of memories are probably rushing to your mind right now the great times with friends, learning, the boring chapel services, and the rules that did not make sense to anyone but the administration of the school. If you went to a bible college, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Now if you never attended a Bible college, or have never gone to church, you might be considering never reading this blog again because you do not want to be brain washed by some weird follower of Jerry Falwell or a nut job who comes your door and talk about Jesus and share some “kool-aid”. If I were you I would close that door in my face and pour that kool-aid down the drain. But since I’m not going to ask you about your religious beliefs, and I’m not offering you kool-aid because that might break my budget, give the blog a chance and keep reading!

What can I say, you normally will not make a lot of money with a B.A. in Religion from a Bible college, and if you go to a Bible college you might not aspire to make a lot of money. I cannot speak for the televangelist who ruin good TV air time. God wants you to give me your money”! I promise I am not after your money just your soul. I’m just kidding. The only thing I want is to tell my story and hope that you like it so you can tell your friends to read the blog and buy my homemade Sharpe t-shirts so I can take their money and they can advertise the blog for me.

In all seriousness I want you to sit back and enjoy this blog. Some of you might connect well with your bible college experiences and laugh. For others who have not attended bible college you should be warned you are about to experience the inner workings of a bible college. Once you know those truths you can never go back to normal living. Make sure you are absolutely ready to read this blog because if you do then you might enjoy the humor and ridiculousness that makes a bible college. Every week I will be posting a new blog about surviving Bible College.

-Shane Milne

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